Tired and Weary.

I'm at the point now where I just want to stop fighting. I know in my heart that my deepest desire is to live for the Lord, and die to myself completely, and I realize how I'm going against my nature-my human nature to live for myself. I want to live for the Lord-It is my greatest desire. But I've noticed that I try and take things into my own hands. I'm at a point now where I LONG to be persecuted for my faith, and I LONG to be lost in my love for Christ! But I have a hard time trusting that YES the Lord knows that I want this, and YES he will give it to me! So I go looking for oppurtunities by myself. And I get SO weary, and I start to feel obligated to do things for Him-even though, hello? I can never live to Jesus's standards, to the standard of perfection.
I'm so afraid of falling back into my old way of life, where yeah, I read my Bible, but God was just a piece of my life, not all of it. It is SUCH an easy trap to live in. I don't WANT to live life comfortably anymore, but I don't want to live life feelingn guilty and obligated. I can't tell you how many times today I felt so tempted to just give up and to give in to my old life, because I felt like that life offered more peace. YALL THAT IS SO NOT TRUE!!!! Even though that temptation scared me half to death, I'm taking joy in the fact that this race that I'm running is a test of endurance, and the fact that I'm tempted to return to my old way of life means that God is about to do something AWESOME, and Satan is scared.

I know that I"m not perfect, and I'm far, FAR from it, but I think about everything Christ went through for me, for all of us. And when he was on that cross, suffering, he was suffering for me, for all of us. I am so tired of feeling obligated to do things for Christ. That's not how it should be. I want to be at the place where I am so IN LOVE with the Lord, that it is like second nature to die to myself daily.

"Let me rediscover you.
And by your grace I'll follow through.
Tell me of the God I never knew.
Jesus let me rediscover you."

Prayers would be REALLY appreciated, ya'll!