Why?

I kind of had to ask myself a hard question today.

Why do I live for Jesus? What's the point?

Now, I don't mean that in a negative way. It's a genuine question. Like, why did I make the decision to follow the Lord, and legit live for Him? I mean, obviously it was God who opened my heart to make this decision, but I have to wonder..

This whole time, this whole summer...

Have I been living for God just to live..for myself?

Okay, let me explain.

I absolutely love kids. And I realized this summer that I LOOOVE speaking to people about Jesus. I mean, I'm at the point where I could sit down and just talk about Jesus for hours (because he's cool, not me). So that really inspired me, and gave me the desire to, after my first year of college (...sic em, bears??) to be a counselor at Sky Ranch. That's been something I've really started to look forward to lately, even though it's all of four summers away. But lately I've realized that my motivation for spiritual growth is so I can be 'wise enough' or 'ready enough' to be a counselor at camp, and to be able to share Christ with kids.

Good intentions? Maybe.

But this definitely isn't right.

Today I finally got around to asking myself, "Why do I love Jesus? Why do I want to follow Him?"

It scared me, asking myself that question. Because the thing is, the whole point of diving deeper, in persevering through struggles, it's to be more like Jesus. I'll never be what I said above...Wise enough, ready enough. Something I loved at camp was when our counselors would talk and you would just KNOW that it was the Lord speaking through them. You know? I hope I'm making sense, cuz I'm having a hard time wording things tonight.

I think I'm scared, though. I'm scared of what becoming more like Jesus looks like. Becoming like Him means taking up our cross and following Him, which I know I want to do...But I don't know where it will lead me. I think that's where complete control comes in, or submitting complete control to Him.

It's so weird. I feel like my heart is TORN. Torn between clinging to control and just submitting myself to Him completely. I've prayed countless time for the Lord to take my life and make it His..Now I'm just waiting for the change of heart to take place. It's actually a really scary thought when you realize that you maybe haven't been living for the Lord for the right reasons. I guess I should be looking at an opportunity to be involved in ministry, or to work at a place like sky ranch as an opportunity to grow, instead of using it as something to base my faith on. Because faith should be based on the Lord!

I want.To want.to want to be like Jesus.

It's cool to know though that even through all these sin struggles, and the problems I realize I face, that the Lord still loves me the same.

How about that?<3